Twenty years old at a party that I do not want to be at, with people I do not like. Yet, here I am. As I look around I see this place, this toxic space that I need to escape. All of a sudden I start to feel hot and anxious…I need air. I rush past sticky, tanned bodies to the balcony. Everybody is closely touching one another and their rank smell is emitted across the entire room. As I open the door I realise that this is my only escape. Only here outside, alone, do I truly feel like myself. I can breathe without inhaling smoke and the distinct odor of beer and vodka, an unpleasant mixture. Its pure out here, out here my thoughts are free.
I turn to look behind me; I stand alone, the outsider regarding the queer species that I should feel one with. Instead I feel like this complete failure at assimilation with my kind. I am the observer and they are the participants in my study. Those people: drunk, high on every possible substance, not to mention rich and beautiful. In the back room five lines are laid out, in a mere five seconds there is only a faint residue of the evil that lay there. How do I fit in? The simple answer is I don’t.
I was once one of them, I used to belong and I was a constant participator, never an observer. I was constantly mingling, partying, and never had one minute to myself. I fit in perfectly. I used to look forward to these parties; I was the first one on the dance floor, the life of the party. In those days I had a group of people that I considered friends constantly around me, we were inseparable. We knew how to have a good time but those days are gone. Life was simple then, we never felt the pressure. That all changed quickly, we all lost control in the blink of an eye.
I knew things had to change and change fast; otherwise I would no longer be able to save myself from complete anonymity. I would just be another unrecognizable face in the crowd, controlled body and mind. Soulless. All of this is easier said than done, I can vouch for that cliché. Leave the people you know, start anew, this all took effort and was far too difficult.